Thursday, April 22, 2010

I Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Ever think that life or some power maybe God or karma is kicking your ass for all the mistakes and wrong choices you have made in life? I use to think that is why whenever something went wrong for me that this was my punishment or someone or something to straighten up my act but I would only head the warning until such time life was all good again and the memory of the mistakes and consequences were but some file in the deepest recessess of my mind. This was and is my biggest problem and a major cause of all my pain self inflicted and bore upon me by others. Yet I still find myself trying to understand why when crisis falls upon my rollercoaster of a life I find myselfn making improvements and revalations of wrong choices that I find two or more things I need to overcome or change to be the person I want to become.
This is where I find myself now and I wonder sometimes if I ever will accomplish my goal of being someone I like yet alone becoming someone that is to be respected by others. Maybe that is my achillies heal, the fact that I worry what other think about me more than what I think of myself. I have always had a bit of thesbian in me and being in sales a majority of my life I have been a bit of a chameleon to blend in to several different roles to serve the purpose of getting close to the people I needed to make the sale. Not to sell them on the goods or services I was trying to get them to buy but rtather sell them on me. Somewhere along the way you lose yourself and your true identity.
Self discovery and finding yourself is a journey and not a destination is something I starting to finally understand. So I find challenges mounting in front of me as an opportunity to improve rather than something to feel sorry about and blame on others. Happiness is a choice and thats what I have chosen for myself and my children. SO LIFE BRING IT. I am up to the challenge.

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